I hope one day you will find yourself, you will find a way to move on from this darkness inside you. But for now, please don’t berate yourself for the things you’ve done or didn’t do. Please please do not berate yourself for feeling how you do.
I’m sorry you’re hurting, and I’m sorry you had to go through that and you’re still suffering it’s traumatic effects; but do not let your depression define you, do not let it change you - do not let it decide you should stop seeing happiness in things. You may be smart, beautiful, compassionate, diligent, romantic, dynamic or witty - whatever you are, you’re still the person you were before this.
You, you are not your depression.
People will say a lot of shit because people are critical of what they do not understand. People will measure yours to someone else’s. People may even say you’re possessed by the devil for your sins. You can ignore them or even better, rediscover yourself as you help them understand this is not your choice; it just is what it is. But that doesn’t matter as much as the people who will be with you through this. Maybe it would take a bit of understanding and maybe we may not be able to feel what you do but least we do, we can empathise.
Remember that we love you and we don’t like the thought of seeing you go through this alone. Please ask us for the simplest things, to bring you out for plays, bring you your favourite dinner, to sit in silence with you. Never forget that even when you feel lonely, you are not alone; you’re not going through this alone - don’t push us away. Telling us or asking us for something is not a cry of weakness or pity, it is strength in recognising that you want to get out of this; and I admire you for that, that amazing determination to stay alive even with the odds against you. You’re such a fighter.
Where do we go from here? We take it one day at a time.
Some days you’ll be chained to your bed, some days you’ll have remain calm when talking to assholes who know shit, some days you’ll want to hang out in an empty cafe with reasonably priced lattes for days on end, some days maybe we’ll hang out and play consoles - all until it gets better.
Daylight is lost and time does not stop, and that means more and more experiences to live for.