Hello. I'm Cheryl, a Twenty-something year old stoned kid who loves indie music, heavy bass, novels, probability and statistics, physics, dark elements and beer. I especially can't stand bad copy writing or typography. My biggest and most embarrassing aspiration is to become a politician.
The content you'd find here mostly consists of curated mood-based music and cynical compositions.
Click for my Social Media Garage
There are things you can never give to me, things that show your worth in love and adoration for me, things that I am not ready to give up.
You know how I am, I do not like giving up control, how I hate having opinions stripped from me. This is my biggest difficulty in being with you.
But I love you nonetheless, two of the greatest reasons why I do are gifts I’ve never experienced before.
I love you for the way you teach me. You teach me but not in the way you tell me how to think or do. But put me in situations that allow me to teach myself, teach myself to become a person I ever so longed to be; a person who’s equally balanced between independence and co-reliant in such an inexplicable and sophisticated manner that some may find hard to believe how I have grown.
I love you for how you never make me feel that I am not entitled to the way I feel. That sometimes, feelings are just feelings because life is uncertain and there are many considerable doubts. You began to understand that this is how I am, and it’s not about who’s more right. You know when I just need to sleep it off, apologise to each other just because we can’t do anything not because we did something wrong.
Maybe one day I would be able to feel enough love and security to give it up and maybe not; but you’re still here. And I am thankful because as much as it is my choice I know it can also be yours to just give up but you said you’ll try and try.
I love you because for what I am past, present and future.
Believe and you shall witness
We’ve long used faith as a way to fill the eternal emptiness that is our hearts, maybe we are built to seek forever or perhaps it is true that that void is meant for God.
"Believe and you shall witness" this is one of core messages in being uplifted by religion. As much as I enjoy the teachings of religion, I find it very hard for me to believe in certain things - from the conflicting passed-down beliefs, the belief that the almighty comes in more than a single form, the reasons of abstinence from a variety of materials, the separation of religion from people who claim to be practitioners but live through an extreme bias, etc.
But I think my biggest hurdle is faith and submission to a way of living.
I envy those who can. Those who practice what has been preached, those who have a happiness in them that glows from within and without any showy theatrics.
I’m not near done with my spiritual pilgrimage but it’s probably coming to a momentarily pause, because these months have just highlighted me that I am not ready and I am intimidated.
"We’re told to live in the moment, to wait for the future; but when we never think about it, we never prepare for it, and so it never comes - we’re stuck, stuck in that same moment."
It’s been awhile since I had a “passion” or rather a hobby. The last time I had that was five years ago. I was practising floor work 2-3 times a week for three hours during each session. This was followed by aching joints, community massage trains, shaking my hair (and bobby pins) out from a skull tight bun. And I missed that enjoyment on working hard and improving on technique.
I’m glad to say for 2014, I have finally found a focal point.
Short rant about opinon
You are entitled to your opinion. You are allowed to voice your opinion.
You have this and so does everyone else.
People are as entitled to agree or disagree with your opinion when you voice it out; you are not allowed to deny them or put them down immediately if it’s not what you like to hear.
So some word of advice, no one actually wants to give a damn about your opinion when you’re not asked about it - fucking social media…
And in somewhat chronological order:
- I didn’t have “playground” friends simply because it was empty.
- With little exposure to people, as a kid I had trouble making friends.
- So, I spoke a lot to myself. A lot.
- I can’t read mandarin even though I’m Chinese.
- No matter how much I tried, I would instantly forget all the idioms I’d studied after my exams, I simply cannot absorb the characters.
- My childhood consisted of catching spiders/earthworms, watching my brother game, roller blading around the neighbourhood, and killing the occasional snake.
- During the time I watched my brother play Fatal Frame: Crimson Butterfly, I would insist that he walk me to my room and turn off the lights only after I’m under the sheets. My room was 5 metres from his.
- I learnt to blade before riding a bike.
- I had braces for only my upper teeth in primary school.
- I had a pet dog once, it taught me that love kills you.
- I had a tomboy phase, it was jeans and huge tees all day erday.
- I’ve only visited the A&E twice, a dislocated toe and a fractured lower back bone.
- I once thought it was a great idea to roll down the steep hill in the neighbourhood in roller desk chairs.
- It was an awesome idea, and it was agreed by the three friends present when that happened.
- I had a scene-kid but not really scene-kid phase.
- Which means, I once had a variety of stripped/torn/spiderweb stockings.
- First piece of make-up I ever owned was an eyeliner
- Till this day, my make-up is mostly about eyeliner.
- If I had to pick sports, the arts, skill-based, or performance arts activities; it’s almost always performance arts.
- Playing the drums is the only display of my motor coordination.
- For the early part of my education, I studied in schools in the west for 12 years (despite living in Serangoon for a third of that duration).
- I dance even though I can’t dance.
- Affectionately known as the “ang-mo lian” because I act like one but with the mandarin/hokkein vocabulary replaced with English
- I suck at languages, I’m sorry - not cultured that way.
- I don’t write, I scribble.
- I’ve always wondered where I picked up the habit of swearing like a sailor.
- I would rather clean other people’s places than my own.
- My most rewatched movie is Clueless and Definitely Maybe.
- Because, I like to listen to dialogue when I study (or rather, when I used to study).
- Cheese is life.
- I do not understand the concept of “that is bad for you” when people say it to me until I actually try it myself.
- The first concert I ever attended was Broken Social Scene.
- I click with men but connect with a few selected women.
- Speaking to animals is one of my many talents.
- The only series I’ve finished is ‘Friends’ but maybe ‘Game of Thrones’ would be different.
- I had a warm beer for my last birthday - it was the worst birthday ever.
- My room has no curtains, I wake up at 9AM on weekends.
- I graduated from slutty to sleepy drunk.
- If you have some thing I don’t know about, I need you to educate me.
- My parents found out about my tattoo four years later, at a visit to the seamstress with mom.
- Surprisingly, it didn’t go as bad as I expected.
- I refrain from discussion about politics and religion - simply because those who talk either don’t know a thing at all or are masters of contradiction.
- I am a firm believer that love and kindness is like a muscle. The more you try the better you become.
- I still can’t read mandarin.
- In the recent years, I have mellowed down whole lot. Strike aggression, defensiveness, and anger.
- But I’ve developed road rage.
- I envision my own home to be simplistic and full of animals.
- I still don’t know what to do with my life.
- When it comes to love - I’m old school.
- My biggest problem is pride.
It boggles the mind when we live in a world of such definitions and uncertainty.
Business is no longer conducted through trust and verbal agreement but a lengthy and tedious exchange of documents. Marriage is a not a vow of “till death do us apart” but a $26 certificate which also qualifies you for alimony in your divorce. While you’re protected by a book-thick contract that ensures your ability to collect claims in the event of an accident, hospitalisation and death; insurance firms also hide behind that same contract through industry jargon.
Maybe those are much too practical examples but I think it says that definitions are important. These words create an understanding of expectations and reliability. It’s not simple but I would say most people are benefiting from it.
And here comes today’s world of hook-ups, and open relationships; The new generation dating playing field, where choices are plentiful and time is precious, which challenges this belief of definition. Somewhat relationships…
These things can become quite toxic. You never know if your actions are within the line, it’s exhausting to constantly have to evaluate if it is reasonable for you to act in a certain way. Behaving in accordance to what your relationship is (or rather, isn’t) and in the end if you’re the one who’s smitten you’re just going to keep internalising blame. You can’t give all, you can’t get all. What is this? Some half-baked excuse of a “thingamajig”? Like Yonce says, if you want it put some God damn definition to it (I know she said ring on it but most of us settle for definitions). Do it for yourselves.
I would say these things could work when lowered expectations allow you to embrace the slightest bit of working towards something bigger, and for those who don’t have the emotional capacity for more at the moment. Fair warning that if it doesn’t happen now, it’s most likely not going to happen in the future.
Are you prepped for that, or you could just stay unprepared for anything more, that works too.
If in a point of time you felt capable to carry on a decision what makes now any different?
Do not doubt yourself, carry on and kick ass or move on and say your good byes. Do not seek approval and reassurance, because you should trust your strengths and manage your weaknesses. Waste no time with people who do not appreciate your efforts and love; where you simply can’t see eye to eye, accept there is nothing else that can be done. Fulfil your obligations as much to your abilities, but have no regret what did or did not come about from that. If you’re revisiting the same problem, do not let your emotions bring you back to the same approach; otherwise, just stop walking down the same street. Never forget anyone, you’d never know when they might pop back into your life. Do whatever it takes to bring joy into your life, whatever it takes. If you think you’re not going to get through this day, what else can you possibly do?
I have been feeling rather uninspired, so far I’ve about eight unfinished posts hanging there in that Drafts tab.
It’s the mid-year passivity, where I just don’t care and I’m disconnected from people and my “passions”.
I have spent the last month filling in my days with DOTA 2, yoga and pole. Weekends are homebody days where I fill my tummy with imaginary ice-cream (cause we can’t have the real shit destroying this body) and I spend my time in bed or on The Internet. The only thing I’ve been inspired to go is to get lady guns and work on finger dexterity.
In other news, I’m beginning to actually enjoy my work sometimes, and in all other instances it’s pretty much okay.