DP(Dx) >= ħ/2

DP(Dx) >= ħ/2

Hello. I'm Cheryl, a Twenty-something year old stoned kid who loves indie music, heavy bass, novels, probability and statistics, physics, dark elements and beer. I especially can't stand bad copy writing or typography. My biggest and most embarrassing aspiration is to become a politician.

The content you'd find here mostly consists of curated mood-based music and cynical compositions.

Click for my Social Media Garage

Alex Vargas - Solid Ground

I day dreamed of Alex lying in bed with me singing and strumming his guitar as I played with his beautiful hair and began to be absorbed by those intense eyes… I am ready for penetration. HA. 

Emerging from darkness

I hope one day you will find yourself, you will find a way to move on from this darkness inside you. But for now, please don’t berate yourself for the things you’ve done or didn’t do. Please please do not berate yourself for feeling how you do. 

I’m sorry you’re hurting, and I’m sorry you had to go through that and you’re still suffering it’s traumatic effects; but do not let your depression define you, do not let it change you - do not let it decide you should stop seeing happiness in things. You may be smart, beautiful, compassionate, diligent, romantic, dynamic or witty - whatever you are, you’re still the person you were before this. 

You, you are not your depression. 

People will say a lot of shit because people are critical of what they do not understand. People will measure yours to someone else’s. People may even say you’re possessed by the devil for your sins. You can ignore them or even better, rediscover yourself as you help them understand this is not your choice; it just is what it is. But that doesn’t matter as much as the people who will be with you through this. Maybe it would take a bit of understanding and maybe we may not be able to feel what you do but least we do, we can empathise.

Remember that we love you and we don’t like the thought of seeing you go through this alone. Please ask us for the simplest things, to bring you out for plays, bring you your favourite dinner, to sit in silence with you. Never forget that even when you feel lonely, you are not alone; you’re not going through this alone - don’t push us away. Telling us or asking us for something is not a cry of weakness or pity, it is strength in recognising that you want to get out of this; and I admire you for that, that amazing determination to stay alive even with the odds against you. You’re such a fighter. 

Where do we go from here? We take it one day at a time.

Some days you’ll be chained to your bed, some days you’ll have remain calm when talking to assholes who know shit, some days you’ll want to hang out in an empty cafe with reasonably priced lattes for days on end, some days maybe we’ll hang out and play consoles - all until it gets better. 

Daylight is lost and time does not stop, and that means more and more experiences to live for. 

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Little things

I love the little things, the little ones that integrate into your routine or float by in your daily life. Forget the obnoxious self-gratifications based on ostentatious acts, love the little things. The little things never lie. They are never substitutes or compromises. They don’t buy time. They are honesty and truth.

The little things from the ones who love you are your daily gifts of greatness. 

Thank your sweetheart for never complaining and earnestly waiting in endless queues with you. Smile when you get a text message from them letting you know they’ll be busy and would never choose to neglect you. Kiss them when they drop by for just an hour’s long meal because the main thing is to squeeze whatever time they have to spend it with you. Sink into sweet slumber when you say goodnight to each other - knowing you are the first and last thing on their mind everyday. 

Thank your friends for the years of service they have given to you in reassuring and calming your worries. Cuddle them for knowing exactly when you’re being a cranky monster and knowing what exactly to say to comfort you. Never take them for granted knowing that there’s one person who loves you to death. 

Thank your family for every occasion they baby you no matter how old you already are. Enjoy home-cooked dinner prepared daily for you. Make time for your old folks as much as they made time for you in your youth. Shower them with gifts and experiences they deprived themselves for you. 

Remember to thank the people who love you for being just who they are, just who you need. 

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Some sacrifices

There are things you can never give to me, things that show your worth in love and adoration for me, things that I am not ready to give up.

You know how I am, I do not like giving up control, how I hate having opinions stripped from me. This is my biggest difficulty in being with you.

But I love you nonetheless, two of the greatest reasons why I do are gifts I’ve never experienced before.

I love you for the way you teach me. You teach me but not in the way you tell me how to think or do. But put me in situations that allow me to teach myself, teach myself to become a person I ever so longed to be; a person who’s equally balanced between independence and co-reliant in such an inexplicable and sophisticated manner that some may find hard to believe how I have grown.

I love you for how you never make me feel that I am not entitled to the way I feel. That sometimes, feelings are just feelings because life is uncertain and there are many considerable doubts. You began to understand that this is how I am, and it’s not about who’s more right. You know when I just need to sleep it off, apologise to each other just because we can’t do anything not because we did something wrong.

Maybe one day I would be able to feel enough love and security to give it up and maybe not; but you’re still here. And I am thankful because as much as it is my choice I know it can also be yours to just give up but you said you’ll try and try.

I love you because for what I am past, present and future.

Believe and you shall witness

We’ve long used faith as a way to fill the eternal emptiness that is our hearts, maybe we are built to seek forever or perhaps it is true that that void is meant for God.

"Believe and you shall witness" this is one of core messages in being uplifted by religion. As much as I enjoy the teachings of religion, I find it very hard for me to believe in certain things - from the conflicting passed-down beliefs, the belief that the almighty comes in more than a single form, the reasons of abstinence from a variety of materials, the separation of religion from people who claim to be practitioners but live through an extreme bias, etc.

But I think my biggest hurdle is faith and submission to a way of living.

I envy those who can. Those who practice what has been preached, those who have a happiness in them that glows from within and without any showy theatrics.

I’m not near done with my spiritual pilgrimage but it’s probably coming to a momentarily pause, because these months have just highlighted me that I am not ready and I am intimidated.

(shorts)

It’s been awhile since I had a “passion” or rather a hobby. The last time I had that was five years ago. I was practising floor work 2-3 times a week for three hours during each session. This was followed by aching joints, community massage trains, shaking my hair (and bobby pins) out from a skull tight bun. And I missed that enjoyment on working hard and improving on technique. 

I’m glad to say for 2014, I have finally found a focal point.